Some time ago I wrote something about potatoes. There is a World Potato Variety Database (or at least there was at that time, somewhere in the world, from which a vast variety of potato species could be classified and further investigated. There I included a Monty Python’s Flying Circus sketch. This one themselves titled ‘The Science-fiction Sketch’.
I will include here the trascript of the dialogs for those of you who don’t quite understand some or any of them.
– And now, here is a reminder about leaving your radio on during the night: Leave your radio on during the night!
– A litle joke, a little jest! Ladies and gentlemen! Now you’ve got some science-fiction boy up from the sky-fi, something to send you
shooting up as fine, send the creepy cloys down your laundering lines. All that’s our contrivity choice. it’s a number we titled:
– The universe consists of a billion, billion galaxies, seventy-seven billion miles across, and every galaxy is made of a billion,
zillion stars, and around these starts circle a billion planets, and of all these planets the greenest and the pleasantest is the planet
Earth, in the system of Sol in a galaxy known as the Milky Way, and it was at this world that creatures from another planet came to
conquer and destroy the very heart of civilization.
– It was a day like many another and Mister ans Missis Samuelfeignsample were a perfectly ordered couple living a perfectly ordinary
life. The sort of people to whom nothing extraordinary happens, and not the kind of people to be the center of one of the most astounding
incidents in the history of mankind. So let’s forget about them and follow instead the destiny of this man: Harold Patton, gardener and
tax officier, first victim of creatures from another planet.
(An udentified flying object comes from up in the sky at this point and shoots a beam at the man, an English one, who immediately
afterwards becomes a Scottish man, dressed as a Scotsman, in skirt, with beiret and macporran).
-Read all about it, read all about it. (This can be heard as the view of a poster which says ‘Man turns into Scotsman’ can be clearly
read, in black capital letters with a white background…).
(Soon afterwards an investigator is making some questions to a woman, who might be some person who knew this man, in order to find out
what had happened and how he had turend into a Scotsman…).
-… Who’s bothered you miss Cladwell…
– No, it’s Clearwell.
– And never showed an inclination towards being a Scotsman before this happened.
– No, no, not actually he was absolutely a person.
– He didn’t know where to kill the time or play at night?
– No, no, no, absolutely not.
– He never drunk at night or bothered about black puddings?
– No, no, not.
– He didn’t have at all a good vein capacity?
– No, no, not at all.
– I see. So on your account Harold Paton, a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever.
– Absolutely is, mind you, he’d always watched .. on the television.
– Aha! well that’s tendency, that’s how it starts!
-Well you see? Scottishness starts with little things like that, and works up. You see? people aren’t just turning to Scotsmen for no
reason at all. (At this point the investigator is reached by a scincefiction beam coming from up in the sky and starts trembling and
– No further questions.
(While turning also into a Scotsman dressed in the Scottish way…).
(Then various groups of different people are bombarded from the UFO in the sky and turn into Scotsmen too).
(A young couple who are kissing each other start a conversation…).
– Charles, Charles, Charles, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.
– What is it darling?
– It’s daddy, he is turning to a Scotsman.
– What? Mister Lewelling?
– Yes Charles, help me, please help me.
– But what can I do?
– I’ll show you Charles. You’re the researcher at the Anthropological Research Institute. I’ll pack you down. An expert in what makes
people change from one nationality to another.
– So I am! This is right up my street!
– And good!
– Now first of all… why would anyone turn into a Scotsman?
– Ahm!, For the show bussiness?
– No, only because he has no control over his own destiny. Look, I’ll show you.
(A computer monitor can be seen with a message written on the screen saying: ‘Only because they have no control over their own
(The young man goes on thinking aloud).
– So this only means that some person, or persons, unknown, is turning all these people into Scotsmen.
– Oh, what kind of heartless thing could do that?
– I don’t know, I don’t know. All that I know is that these people are streaming North of the border at a rate of thousands every hour.
If we don’t act fast Scotland will be choked with Scotsmen.
– Soon Scotland was full of Scotsmen. The overcrowding was pitifull: three men to a cavy.
(While the noise of various people chatting hurriedly in sharp voices can be heard, a map of Great Britain divided into England, Wales,
Northern Ireland, and Scotland can be seen, with loads of yellow circles moving from England into Scotland, and then a post sign appears
on England, and on the sing the word : ‘Empty’, can be read…).
– For the few that remained life was increasingly difficult.